Sweet Daddy Dee: Is there one other brother in the house tonight?
[sees a black man]
Sweet Daddy Dee: Oh! Yo, dawg; RUN!

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Walter: How long've you been married?
Jeff Dunham: Fifteen years.
Walter: You'll see.
Jeff Dunham: See what?
Walter: Remember when you said, "'Til death do us part"?
Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
Walter: Later you'll realize you were actually setting a goal.

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Walter: Dumbass.

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Jeff Dunham: What are you doing?
Peanut: [exaggerated Japanese accent] Oh, speaking Japanese!
Jeff Dunham: You don't know Japanese.
Peanut: Yeah, I do; Toyota.
[audience laughs]
Peanut: Oh, Godzilla!
Jeff Dunham: That's not right.
Peanut: Oh, you're right; it'd be...
[opens mouth and nothing comes out until after it closes]
Peanut: Godzilla!

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Jeff Dunham: What's your favorite beer?
Bubba J.: An open one.
Jeff Dunham: How do you know when you drink too much?
Bubba J.: I run out.

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Peanut: Look, I know I didn't finish school but that frickin' says 'Sa ntah ah nah!'

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Jeff Dunham: Do you have a drinking problem?
Bubba J.: Nah, I have it pretty much figured out.

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Walter: Shut the hell up!

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Jeff Dunham: [Dunham is trying to convince Peanut what a great city Santa Ana is] There's a lot of history in this city...
Peanut: Translated:
[as Peanut moves an arm as if to point at imaginary words]
Peanut: Old as SHIT!

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Peanut: Then to really screw with him I said, stop sign, turn around, thank you, doing doing, horse shoe, turtle, digadigadiga.

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Jeff Dunham: The drive from the valley?
Peanut: Was bad as hell!
Jeff Dunham: Traffic?
Peanut: Sucked like hell!
Jeff Dunham: Drivers?
Peanut: Angry as hell!
Jeff Dunham: And you?
Peanut: Were scared as hell!
Jeff Dunham: Parking?
Peanut: Sucked more like hell!
Jeff Dunham: So?
Peanut: We're in hell!

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Walter: Welcome to Wal-Mart. Get your shit and get out. Have a nice day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: You know, you don't have to do this.
Walter: Yeah, I could get a real job.
Jeff Dunham: [chuckles] What would you do.
Walter: I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart.
[audience laughs]
Walter: What the hell's so funny?
Jeff Dunham: At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?
Walter: Oh.
[clears throat]
Walter: Welcome to Wal-Mart, get your shit and get out!
[audience laughs]
Walter: Have a nice day.

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Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee's good for your sex life.
Jeff Dunham: Coffee?
Walter: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: Is it?
Walter: No. It kept me awake through the whole damn thing! I actually had to participate. Doctor said it's bad for my heart, too.
Jeff Dunham: All the caffeine?
Walter: No, seeing my wife naked.
Jeff Dunham: That's awful.
Walter: Oh, you've seen her, too?
Jeff Dunham: So, is coffee good for the sex life or not?
Walter: I don't know. But, they're never gonna let us back into that Starbucks again.

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Jeff Dunham: Dear Walter, can you recommend a good proctologist?
[Walter nudges towards Jeff]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: Dear Walter, time and time again, I have filled out this sheet six times. You never answer my question. What gives?
Walter: Let's skip that one.

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Walter: [talking about being married] You can't look at other women, now. You can't talk to 'em. You can't do nothing.
Jeff Dunham: What're talking about?
Walter: I'll show you what I'm talking about. Do you see this lovely young lady sitting right here in the front row? Do you see her? Do you see her?
Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
Walter: Oh well!

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Walter: I used to chase skirts all over the world, until I got to Scotland, and, Boy, was I surprised!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walter: [answering questions submitted by the audience] "Why do I gag on my tootbrush but not when I'm performing oral sex on my boyfriend?" Well, obviously, the toothbrush is bigger.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bubba J.: AA is for quitters.

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José Jalapeño: Do not drop me, Señor.
Jeff Dunham: I won't drop you, José.
José Jalapeño: I will then be José Jalapeño On The Floor.
Peanut: Do a little tap dance and we got salsa!
Jeff Dunham: That's terrible!
Peanut: Not with the right kind of chips it's not.
Jeff Dunham: Stop it! I'm sorry, José.
José Jalapeño: It's okay.
Jeff Dunham: Okay.
José Jalapeño: I kick his ass later.
Peanut: I'll turn your ass into guacamole!
Jeff Dunham: Stop it.
Peanut: I'll stir you with you're own stick!
Jeff Dunham: Stop it.
Peanut: [makes a stirring motion with his arm] This is the way we stir the guac! Stir the guac! Stir the guac! OLÉ!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: And you're happy to be here?
Peanut: What?
Jeff Dunham: You're happy to be here?
Peanut: Oh yes I am!
[lays head on Jeff's shoulder; Jeff pushes him away]
Peanut: Just last week I was lying in bed and I woke up sobbing 'I will never be happy until we return to SA-NA-TA-ANA!' And now we're here! Thank you for bringing me!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: Are you married?
Bubba J.: Yep.
Jeff Dunham: Your wife pretty?
Bubba J.: Ye... no!
Jeff Dunham: What's the difference?
Bubba J.: The light.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: So did you date for a while?
Bubba J.: Yup.
Jeff Dunham: You propose?
Bubba J.: No, her daddy did that.
Jeff Dunham: How did that happen?
Bubba J.: I went over to her house one night, was supposed to pick her up at seven, showed up at seven thirty. Her daddy was out on the porch with his shotgun, he said, "Hey, Bubba J! Guess who else is late?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: Walter, what exactly is marriage to you?
Walter: It's like drinking a slurpy.
Jeff Dunham: A slurpy.
Walter: First couple of sips, it's like "Boy this is really good! I'm glad I did this!" Then you keep drinking, it goes right to your head, and you go "Ow, Ow, Ooooow! What the hell was I thinking? Someone kill me please!"
Jeff Dunham: It eventually stops hurting.
Walter: Yeah, and then you're stupid enough to take another freakin' sip!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: So, José, what makes you happiest in life?
José Jalapeño: My BMW.
Jeff Dunham: You have a BMW?
Peanut: Yeah, a Big Mexican Woman.
José Jalapeño: On a stick!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx




Walter: What happens in D.C. stays on YouTube!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: You mispronounced my last name!
Peanut: I knooow!
Jeff Dunham: It's "Dunham".
Peanut: Not when you look at it. It says "Dun-HAM." "Jeff Dun-HAM." "HAAAAM!" You're the other white meat.
Jeff Dunham: Don't confuse everyone, it's "Dunham".
Peanut: It says "Dun-HAM." "Ham, Ham, HAAAAM."
[makes pig noise, cow noise, and chicken noise]
Peanut: Jeff Dun-HAM... dot com! Jeff Dun-HAM... dot com!
Peanut: And... and you know... you know when you think about it for a second it says actually "Jef-fafa" Dun-HAM... dot com!
Jeff Dunham: What?
Peanut: Jef-fafa.
Jeff Dunham: "fafa"?
Peanut: You're using an unneeded F. Jef-fafa... Dun-HAM... dot com! Am I pissing you of-fafa? Jef-fafa? Dun-HAM... dot com. You know, the weird part is I am actually pissing him off!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: So what's your question? And be nice.
Peanut: Okay. Ummm, you're a jalapeño.
José Jalapeño: Si, Señor. On a stick.
Peanut: Right. And you're a Mexican jalapeño.
José Jalapeño: On a stick.
Peanut: Right. Are you a legal Mexican jalapeño?
[audience laughs, Jeff stares at him]
Peanut: What? What did I say?
Jeff Dunham: This is not the appropriate time or place to ask that!
Peanut: Too late! HA HA HA HA! So José, are you legal? Are you legal? Are you legal? Are you legal? Are you legal? Lega-lega-lega-lega-lega... lega... lega... le... lmmm?
[Jeff looks at him sternly]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walter: [referring to his argument on the phone with his wife] You heard a little of that, didn't ya?
Jeff Dunham: Oh yeah.
Walter: I hung up on her.
Jeff Dunham: Not good.
Walter: Yeah. She called back and she's like "Did you hang up on me?" I said "I don't know, did it sound something like this - CLICK!"
Jeff Dunham: Did that make her angry?
Walter: Oh, I felt a disturbance in the Force!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peanut: [about Jeff's wife] She's not exactly bad-looking.
Jeff Dunham: No.
Peanut: She's ho-T. And her prime is now... yours was twenty years ago.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: How are you doing, Walter?
Walter: What the hell happened to your hair? It looks like you were in a freakin' car wreck.
Jeff Dunham: Well, they said it makes me look hip.
Walter: I think it makes you look homeless! Been in D.C. for two days and you're already freakin' homeless!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walter: [sees cameraman in the back] Look, it's the CIA. I see you! We can all see you! You know, the show looks a lot better from the front. Is the director drunk? What the hell?
[cameraman walks off]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[repeated line]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: SILENCE! I KILL YOU!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Knock, knock.
Jeff Dunham: Who's there?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Me, I kill you!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Two Jews walk in a bar...
Jeff Dunham: No. No.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What?
Jeff Dunham: No.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What? You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peanut: [about the Blue Prius] That's a tiny little car, isn't it?
Jeff Dunham: It's small.
Peanut: Yeah, I bet to get it in and out you've gotta use a lot of lotion!
[audience bursts out laughing, Peanut laughs]
Jeff Dunham: He he. It's not funny.
Peanut: They are laughing like hell!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[a cameraman on stage goes directly into Walter's face]
Walter: Holy crap! Wait, wait, come back. Let me look in there. This is Comedy Central! I can see Cartman. I can see Kenny. Oh, he just got killed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: You know, they're putting a lot more National Guard on the border between the U.S. and Mexico. Does this concern you?
José Jalapeño: No, señor.
Jeff Dunham: Why not?
Peanut: He's already here! You really are an idiot!
Jeff Dunham: So, José, are you here on a temporary visa? Are you here on a work visa?
Peanut: He's here on a stick!
Jeff Dunham: You enjoy being in this country?
José Jalapeño: Sometimes I'm afraid for my life.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Peanut: Taco Bell!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: So, Achmed, where did you come from?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: From your freakin' suitcase! Hahahahahahahahaha! I told another joke!
Jeff Dunham: So if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how have you been getting past security?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, that's easy. They just open the case and I go, "Hel-looooooooo. I am Lindsay Lohan!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: So you're Muslim?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I don't think so.
Jeff Dunham: You don't think you're Muslim?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No.
Jeff Dunham: Why not?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Look at my ass. It says: "Made in China".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: One more superhero: Batman.
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Oh...
Jeff Dunham: What?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Grown men wearing a rubber suit... hanging around with a young boy! I don't need to have x-ray vision to see what the hell is going on there!
Jeff Dunham: Yeah, I've always wondered about superheroes and their young men sidekicks.
Melvin the Superhero Guy: [stares at Jeff] You have five men in a suitcase and one of them is on a stick! Who's sliding down the proverbial back pole now? If you had a theme song, it would be, "La lala laaaaaa!"
Jeff Dunham: You know I have a wife and three kids.
Melvin the Superhero Guy: So does Tom Cruise!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: Do you have a weakness?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Cupcakes... and porn.
[audience laughs]
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Not at the same time! I need a free hand.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[first lines]
[referring to the standing ovation Jeff received]
Jeff Dunham: Well, you can't fool me. I know that every bit of that is for the little guys in the suitcase.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[opening scene: Walter, Jeff Dunham, Peanut, Jeff's wife Paige, and José Jalapeño on a Stick are all in bed]
Walter: Aw, kids with their hipping and their hopping and... Pull up your damn pants, you morons!
Jeff Dunham: Second Comedy Central special. It's gonna be great. No, Mommy, I don't wanna wear the pink bow.
Peanut: He even does this in his sleep. Ha! What a freak!
Paige Dunham: Would you idiots give it a rest?
José Jalapeño: [to Paige] Would you like to see my stick?
Paige Dunham: Aaaaaaaah!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Achmed's torso is backwards and Jeff just turned it around]
Jeff Dunham: Just sit still.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay, I will not move my ass.
Walter: [from the suitcase] You idiot, you don't have an ass!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Is that Walter?
Jeff Dunham: Yes.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: He scares the crap out of me! Please do not put me back in the same suitcase!
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: He has gas. Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: How do you spell your name?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: A - -C - -phleeemmm.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: So do you like being in D.C.?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I think some idiots must live here.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: For example, The Washington Monument.
Jeff Dunham: Yes?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It looks nothing like the guy. It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: So, Melvin, whenever there is trouble, how are you summoned?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Oh, I'm making a deal with the commissioner to get a spotlight with a silhouette of my symbol.
Jeff Dunham: Your symbol?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Yes. A big nose in the sky. Only problem is that it doesn't always look like a nose. It's not a cupcake either.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: Does your wife have any powers?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Yes, really, uh-huh.
Jeff Dunham: What are they?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Well, once a month... she becomes "evil!" And I cannot defeat her! Our children run in terror! Our big dog cowers under the couch!
Jeff Dunham: You have a big dog?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Well, actually, I borrowed your chihuahua.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: During the holidays last year, we had to take the Hummer and get a little maintenance done on it. And then we went to pick it up when it was finished and we're driving home, and my wife is behind me, she's driving the Hummer, and I'm in front, I'm driving the Prius. I was tricked somehow. I don't know how that happened. But she calls me on the cell phone and she's laughin'. Let me explain to you why. The Prius that we own is not a black Prius, it's not a red Prius. It's a blue Prius. But it's not really a blue Prius, it's more of a "blue" Prius. It's pretty. Sparkly! I did that a little too well, didn't I? And also, while I'm driving, I'm holding in my left arm my wife's three pound chihuahua. And you have to hold this dog when you're driving, otherwise, it'll fall down between the seats, and you're like, "Where the hell is that dog? Oh, there you are. Let me put down the parking brake. That'll hold ya, ya little bastard." "Oh, I gotta shift."
[imitates chihuahua yelping]
Jeff Dunham: "Oh! Oh... That was your head. I'm sorry. I thought it was the little shifty thingy. It's the same size, and leather and fur, I don't know the difference. I thought I was grinding the gears." "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." Thanks for laughing at that. That's the stupidest joke I tell all night. And then also that morning, unbeknownst to me, I don't know why I didn't see it, but my children have gone out before me, and they had taken out some of those vinyl window holiday decorations and they put them all over the back window of the Prius. There was Christmas trees and Santa Claus and snowflakes. It was so pretty. My wife calls me, she's laughing hysterically. I'm like, "What's so funny?" She goes, "Can you see yourself?" I'm like, "What?" She goes, "You're driving a powder-blue Prius, you're holding a three-pound chihuahua, there's pretty Christmas decorations all over your car, and you make a living with dolls! You're gay!" "Click!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Wait, if I'm dead, that means I get my 72 virgins!
[looks at audience]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Are you my virgins? I hope not.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: There's a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: Catwoman?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: You know I used to date Catwoman.
Jeff Dunham: Really?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Oh yeah but she gave me something I had to take medicine to get rid of. And boy does it itch. And now it burns when I fly. Da da da daAHHHHHH!
[Melvin's hair falls off and the audience laughs]
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Son of a bitch!
[looks down and looks back up]
Melvin the Superhero Guy: It's the terrorists I tell you!
[Jeff picks up his hair]
Melvin the Superhero Guy: I look like Lex Luthor. Can you put it back?
Jeff Dunham: Sure.
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Ok.
[Jeff puts his hair back on and he laughs a bit]
Jeff Dunham: How's that?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Da da da da. That kinda sucked.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: Look, if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how have you been getting through security at the airports?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, that's easy. They open the case, and I go "Hello! I am Lindsay Lohan!"
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I'm kidding. I would not kill the Jews. No. I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I did the same thing with 2 Catholic priests, but I tossed in a small boy! Yes! Yes! And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson!
Jeff Dunham: You can't tell jokes like that!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Why not? I'm killing... so to speak!
Jeff Dunham: referring to the "suicide bomber training camp": Is that a nice facility?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It used to be!
Jeff Dunham: What happened?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: New guy! The idiot tried to practice!
Jeff Dunham: What did you guys learn from that?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: Do you have any other powers?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: X-ray vision.
Jeff Dunham: Really?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Uh-huh.
Jeff Dunham: Well, can you see through something practical? Like clothes?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Oh, you're sick! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssss! I love looking at boobies! Ah-ha! There's a beautiful pair right there! Oh, I'm glad I'm wearing loose shorts! Oh, I forgot. I can't see through silicone.
[audience groans]
Melvin the Superhero Guy: What? Those are good ones. Those are *super*-hooters! If she had a theme song, it would be, "Ta tata ta!" And if she had a costume it would have *two* D's on her chest. I can look, but I can't touch.
Jeff Dunham: Why not?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: I'm lactose intolerant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peanut: In a weird and twisted kind of way, all five of us onstage have slept with your wife. When you're wacky and having a great time, that's me! When you're laying around thinking, "Why did I marry this broad?", that's Walter. When you're so angry you want to kill her, that's Achmed!
Jeff Dunham: What's José Jalapeño on a Stick?
Peanut: You're a sick man!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: So when you died, did you see a white light?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I saw a Blue Prius! Do you really own one of those vehicles?
Jeff Dunham: Yes.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: *That's* not a car! That's a lunch box!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: Did you like Ft. Lauderdale, Florida?
Walter: No.
Jeff Dunham: Why not?
Walter: Everyone in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, looks exactly like me!
Jeff Dunham: Well, I heard that Ft. Lauderdale is where they shot those "Girls Gone Wild" videos.
Walter: That's only during spring break. The rest of the year, it's "Girls Gone Saggy." Then it's "Girls Gone Senile." Then it's just "Girls Gone."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: José, I must say you speak English very well.
José Jalapeño: Gracias, Señor.
Jeff Dunham: What were some of the first phrases you learned in English?
Peanut: "Will you help me push my car?" "Does this I.D. look real to you?"
Jeff Dunham: Will you stop it?
Peanut: "Where's the nearest Home Depot?"
Jeff Dunham: Stop it!
José Jalapeño: Actually, that last one was true.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Dunham: So, superheroes date each other?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Yes, and we also date mortals, too. Did you know that Superman once dated Rosie O'Donnell?
Jeff Dunham: I did not know that.
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Yeah, but he had to quit her because she got too big. Can you imagine flying around Metropolis with a big girl in your arms? Da dada da! Oof! This looks like a job for Slim-Fast!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peanut: What the hell is wrong with you? We cannot talk at the same time! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk - THAT'S IT! Focus!
[to the audience]
Peanut: I am so sick of this crap! I've tried going solo!
Jeff Dunham: And what happened?
Peanut: [referring to the stand] Kept falling off this frickin' thing, that's what happened.